9/7/11
9/1/11
8/29/11
8/25/11
Introduction
It occured to me that I have not done any kind of introduction post yet.
I know it is not really important to do one but I feel like it might be interesting to post some things about me that are not trans related. Also, I am now part of the blog roll at Transguys.com so any new readers I might get from there, welcome to my corner of the web. I just want to quickly thank Joshua at transguys.com for adding me.
So some stuff about me:
I'm a 29 year old, quickly approaching 30 and pretty excited about it actually. I feel like 30 is going to be my year of adventure and learning more and more about myself.
I dig films and music big time. These are my go to conversational subjects. I am mostly interested in horror films and mind bending type stuff. As far as music, I like everything from quality black metal to dubstep.
I live with my partner and her 6 year old daughter. I am new to parenting and she is a precocious little beast but our relationship is improving. She is whip smart and grasps things pretty quickly. Apparently she called me her step dad the other day and even though I wouldn't admit it, it warmed my heart a bit.
I am Canadian but I am currently living in the US. It has been an interesting experience so far. It is so much the same as Canada in many ways yet vastly different in others. I have made great friends here so far and seen some really beautiful places but I do miss "home".
I am spiritual and am drawn heavily to Buddhism. I have a giant Buddha tattoo that takes up half my arm but I don't meditate daily or anything. The Buddha is more of a reminding symbol for me to take each day as it comes, live in the moment and never forget that suffering and impermanence are facts of life.
So there are a few quick facts about me.
I know it is not really important to do one but I feel like it might be interesting to post some things about me that are not trans related. Also, I am now part of the blog roll at Transguys.com so any new readers I might get from there, welcome to my corner of the web. I just want to quickly thank Joshua at transguys.com for adding me.
So some stuff about me:
I'm a 29 year old, quickly approaching 30 and pretty excited about it actually. I feel like 30 is going to be my year of adventure and learning more and more about myself.
I dig films and music big time. These are my go to conversational subjects. I am mostly interested in horror films and mind bending type stuff. As far as music, I like everything from quality black metal to dubstep.
I live with my partner and her 6 year old daughter. I am new to parenting and she is a precocious little beast but our relationship is improving. She is whip smart and grasps things pretty quickly. Apparently she called me her step dad the other day and even though I wouldn't admit it, it warmed my heart a bit.
I am Canadian but I am currently living in the US. It has been an interesting experience so far. It is so much the same as Canada in many ways yet vastly different in others. I have made great friends here so far and seen some really beautiful places but I do miss "home".
I am spiritual and am drawn heavily to Buddhism. I have a giant Buddha tattoo that takes up half my arm but I don't meditate daily or anything. The Buddha is more of a reminding symbol for me to take each day as it comes, live in the moment and never forget that suffering and impermanence are facts of life.
So there are a few quick facts about me.
7/19/11
Guilt, Shame and Doubt
Felling pretty crappy today. I was up until 6 am and only got a few hours of sleep after. My brother called me at around 2:30 this morning ( we are both night owls so this isn't a big deal) He has had a couple days to process me coming out to him and he had a pretty big head of steam built up about it, about how I told him and about how he felt about the whole situation. My brother and I are very close and have a strong bond from having grown up in a difficult situation that left us alone together frequently and with me in a very mothering role for him.
He is already upset that I moved away from him last fall and even more upset that I have moved down to the US temporarily and now word of my desired transition has thrown him for a big huge loop. He feels like I should have told him sooner, like there should have been some indication that this was coming. I tried to explain to him that I could not have told him sooner even if I wanted to as I was not sure myself and even after I was sure, how was I to explain to him that his sister now wants to be his brother? He is upset that I chose to tell him in a fairly impersonal message on Facebook as opposed to calling him on the phone which, I admit, was probably not the best idea. We had a fairly heated discussion for about 15 minutes and then it got much worse when he asked me how he was supposed to know if in 2 or 3 months down the road I wasn't going to change my mind about this whole thing. I lost it at that point. It is widely known to my family and friends that I am a pretty impulsive guy. I tend to do things by the seat of my pants frequently and with what seems like not a lot of forethought. This has gotten me into trouble on many occasions and I know for a fact that most of the time my family looks at my split second decisions with not just a grain of salt but a barrel of it. But when my brother accused me of my transition being an impulse and that it was hard to take me seriously, something inside me just broke and all the pent up emotion of the last few days reached a level I could not control. I began crying hysterically, I could barely eek out a response to his question. I told him that I could not believe he would accuse me of putting myself and my family through such a torturous roller coaster of emotions and doubt based on an impulsive whim. I basically asked him why he thought I would no only volunteer myself for hell, but bring my family along with me. It did not get better from there. He told me he had spoken to my Uncle J, who I am very close to and consider another brother in every way. J has not spoken to me since I sent the letter and when I heard they had been talking I broke down even more. My brother said J was also put off by my chosen method of coming out, but I am not sure what to do with that information...do I try and call him and talk to him? Do I apologize for being honest about myself? I kind of feel like now that I have put it out there and invited inquiry that it is the individual responsibility of my friends and family to contact me if they have any questions. Is that wrong? My brother also said something that made my heart feel like it was being ripped out. He said that because we are so far away from each other, he didn't know how he was going to deal with this transition without seeing me frequently during the duration. I understand this but I am not sure what I can do about it as neither my nor his finances or lifestyle allow us any trips to see each other. He also said he was sad that he felt like he was never going to see his sister again. That by the time we saw each other in person again, I would no longer be Ali, but be Alix and that in effect, Ali would be gone forever without him being able to say good-bye. I am welling with tears again just writing this. We talked (well I cried and blubbered and he talked) more for about an hour and then he told me he loves me and will try but that this is going to be really hard for him as he feels like an immovable aspect of his life is changing. So today I feel guilt and shame and doubt and a questioning as to if this is a good idea at all and a hatred of myself for making my family and friends feel this way and a hatred of myself for not being able to just go on with my life as it was, to not be able to put and shut up.
He is already upset that I moved away from him last fall and even more upset that I have moved down to the US temporarily and now word of my desired transition has thrown him for a big huge loop. He feels like I should have told him sooner, like there should have been some indication that this was coming. I tried to explain to him that I could not have told him sooner even if I wanted to as I was not sure myself and even after I was sure, how was I to explain to him that his sister now wants to be his brother? He is upset that I chose to tell him in a fairly impersonal message on Facebook as opposed to calling him on the phone which, I admit, was probably not the best idea. We had a fairly heated discussion for about 15 minutes and then it got much worse when he asked me how he was supposed to know if in 2 or 3 months down the road I wasn't going to change my mind about this whole thing. I lost it at that point. It is widely known to my family and friends that I am a pretty impulsive guy. I tend to do things by the seat of my pants frequently and with what seems like not a lot of forethought. This has gotten me into trouble on many occasions and I know for a fact that most of the time my family looks at my split second decisions with not just a grain of salt but a barrel of it. But when my brother accused me of my transition being an impulse and that it was hard to take me seriously, something inside me just broke and all the pent up emotion of the last few days reached a level I could not control. I began crying hysterically, I could barely eek out a response to his question. I told him that I could not believe he would accuse me of putting myself and my family through such a torturous roller coaster of emotions and doubt based on an impulsive whim. I basically asked him why he thought I would no only volunteer myself for hell, but bring my family along with me. It did not get better from there. He told me he had spoken to my Uncle J, who I am very close to and consider another brother in every way. J has not spoken to me since I sent the letter and when I heard they had been talking I broke down even more. My brother said J was also put off by my chosen method of coming out, but I am not sure what to do with that information...do I try and call him and talk to him? Do I apologize for being honest about myself? I kind of feel like now that I have put it out there and invited inquiry that it is the individual responsibility of my friends and family to contact me if they have any questions. Is that wrong? My brother also said something that made my heart feel like it was being ripped out. He said that because we are so far away from each other, he didn't know how he was going to deal with this transition without seeing me frequently during the duration. I understand this but I am not sure what I can do about it as neither my nor his finances or lifestyle allow us any trips to see each other. He also said he was sad that he felt like he was never going to see his sister again. That by the time we saw each other in person again, I would no longer be Ali, but be Alix and that in effect, Ali would be gone forever without him being able to say good-bye. I am welling with tears again just writing this. We talked (well I cried and blubbered and he talked) more for about an hour and then he told me he loves me and will try but that this is going to be really hard for him as he feels like an immovable aspect of his life is changing. So today I feel guilt and shame and doubt and a questioning as to if this is a good idea at all and a hatred of myself for making my family and friends feel this way and a hatred of myself for not being able to just go on with my life as it was, to not be able to put and shut up.
I was reading a blog post done by Marcus at Trans Canada Coyote about how different he sees the world after being on T for a few months and about how he is saddened by the fact that most men are painted with a negative brush by women (you will have to read the entry to get his point, I am not going to reproduce it here). He mentions how as a "primarily estrogen based organism" for most of his life he has learned how to be a man not from men but from women. He fears he will be painted with that same negative brush as he becomes more masculine and passes more regularly. It struck a chord with me because I have been thinking about very similar things. I have never really had a positive, stable male influence in my life and most of what I know about being a man is from movies and television and the women around me. My father left before I was born, my first step father was certainly not a good role model and my current step father and I don't really know each other on a deep level despite him being around since I was 13. I wonder if how I will see the world as a man and how the world relates to me as a man will be influenced by me spending most of my life living as a woman. Will it give me some insight? Will it make me a "better" man?
7/18/11
I was faced with an explosion of responses all through yesterday to my coming out letter. In fact I spent the majority of the day fielding responses from friends and family members. I am happy to say that most of the reactions were positive and supportive. A few people still haven't gotten back to me, some of them are very important people to me and the lack of response from them is nerve wracking. I know I need to give people time and that I can't rush people into acceptance. However, knowing they are online and not seeing any kind of response from them makes me nervous.
My brother was one responder that was not so positive. He and I are very close and his main upset seemed to come from the fact that he did not know sooner. I told him I wish I had known sooner too. I didn't see any use in explaining to him that I did know sooner and just didn't even want to admit it to myself, let alone anyone else. He asked me how I knew and I didn't feel like I had an appropriate answer for him. How do you tell your younger brother that you began to suspect your gender variance one day while imagining what it would be like to take a kitchen knife and slice off your own breasts? You just don't.
All in all, so far, my friends and family have been great. However, I don't have to deal with many of them in person very often as I live so far away from them. I am worried about the g/f's family that we see regularly. I have left it up to her to tell them as she sees fit but seeing as she has already started using my new name and right pronouns, I think they are going to notice when we go on the big family camping trip we have planned for this weekend.
One super positive thing that happened last night is that our good friends, who are both trans, came over last night for dinner and movies. They have both been amazing. I was happy that g/f decided to not consult me about whether or not I felt like having company because I would have defaulted to "not" and then I would have missed out on a lot of hugs and support. One of the friends showed me his top surgery results, which he had a few years ago. It was amazing. It was all I could do not to try and touch his chest and stare for a long time. I was in awe and jealous. I am so thankful for them both in my life right now.
My brother was one responder that was not so positive. He and I are very close and his main upset seemed to come from the fact that he did not know sooner. I told him I wish I had known sooner too. I didn't see any use in explaining to him that I did know sooner and just didn't even want to admit it to myself, let alone anyone else. He asked me how I knew and I didn't feel like I had an appropriate answer for him. How do you tell your younger brother that you began to suspect your gender variance one day while imagining what it would be like to take a kitchen knife and slice off your own breasts? You just don't.
All in all, so far, my friends and family have been great. However, I don't have to deal with many of them in person very often as I live so far away from them. I am worried about the g/f's family that we see regularly. I have left it up to her to tell them as she sees fit but seeing as she has already started using my new name and right pronouns, I think they are going to notice when we go on the big family camping trip we have planned for this weekend.
One super positive thing that happened last night is that our good friends, who are both trans, came over last night for dinner and movies. They have both been amazing. I was happy that g/f decided to not consult me about whether or not I felt like having company because I would have defaulted to "not" and then I would have missed out on a lot of hugs and support. One of the friends showed me his top surgery results, which he had a few years ago. It was amazing. It was all I could do not to try and touch his chest and stare for a long time. I was in awe and jealous. I am so thankful for them both in my life right now.
7/17/11
Letter Day
I have done it. I just sent my "coming out" letter into the ether. It goes like this:
I am writing this letter to you all because I am going through a big change in my life that I want to share with close family, friends and those I have regular interaction with. After a lot of thought, meditation and self reflection I have come to the conclusion that I am Transgendered. For me that means that I experience a discontinuity between my assigned gender and what I feel my core gender is.
I am writing this letter to you all because I am going through a big change in my life that I want to share with close family, friends and those I have regular interaction with. After a lot of thought, meditation and self reflection I have come to the conclusion that I am Transgendered. For me that means that I experience a discontinuity between my assigned gender and what I feel my core gender is.
I am revealing this information to you all because I feel it is important that we maintain communication and my relationship with you is important to me and I would like to keep you close. In order for me to begin to live my life in the way that will make me happiest and most at peace with myself a few things will happen immediately. I have chosen a different name and I have chosen to be identified by masculine (he, his, etc.) or gender neutral (they, theirs, etc.) pronouns.
I want you to know that I have not come to this realization lightly. It has taken a lot of very difficult and frightening soul searching for me. I feel that living my life this way will be hard but in the end, it will make me happiest.
I know that many of you may have questions or concerns and I welcome them. I respect your position in my life and value our relationship. Please feel free to send me a private message or email or call me on the phone. Also, I have attached some links that might begin to answer some of your questions.
Thanks.
With love,
Alix
I sent it out over Facebook (classy, I know) to all of my family that is on there as well as a few close friends/people I talk to regularly. I just hit "send" not 5 minutes ago and I feel like my heart is sitting somewhere between my throat and the top of my head. I might puke. It is done, it is out there, and there is no turning back.
Oh god.
7/16/11
This shit is real now.
A lot happened yesterday. I came out to my mom, I chose my new name, I started talking to a friend of mine about T injections and other stuff he has a lot of experience with. It is all very real now. Before yesterday my trans stuff was something that was a secret, weird little part of me that only my closest knew about. I could take off that hat when I needed to to protect myself and even if I felt uncomfortable doing it I could just be the butchy lesbian. I feel really vulnerable today and it is not something I like feeling. I am used to keeping the secret parts of me close and not showing anyone. Now I feel like I am on display.
My mom took it pretty well. I didn't really expect her to freak out or anything, she is pretty understanding. She said that she was watching Letterman a few weeks ago and saw the interview he did with Chaz Bono and something in her head just clicked and she thought "oh my god. this is my daughter". So bless Chaz. My mom tends to get a little overly excited about things like this because she sees the chance for new knowledge and she really wants to be supportive. I worry that sometimes she is not really sharing all her feelings with me.
7/15/11
These things are true:
I would rather be seen as a effeminate man than a masculine woman.
I would rather have someone ask me honest questions than pretend they don't see me.
I would rather wear my binder on a hot day and sweat like a pig than have to look down and see my chest without it.
I would rather that you didn't make comments about how you always knew I would do this someday because
I already feel dumb that it took me so long to figure it out.
I would rather that I didn't feel so old compared to most of the transguys I see online.
I would rather that I didn't get so wrapped up in my head when I am having sex that I can't enjoy it and my girlfriend wonders what is wrong and why I never want to have sex.
I would rather be excited about wanting to transition than feel exasperated that I have to go through so much just to be who I want to be.
I would rather be seen as a effeminate man than a masculine woman.
I would rather have someone ask me honest questions than pretend they don't see me.
I would rather wear my binder on a hot day and sweat like a pig than have to look down and see my chest without it.
I would rather that you didn't make comments about how you always knew I would do this someday because
I already feel dumb that it took me so long to figure it out.
I would rather that I didn't feel so old compared to most of the transguys I see online.
I would rather that I didn't get so wrapped up in my head when I am having sex that I can't enjoy it and my girlfriend wonders what is wrong and why I never want to have sex.
I would rather be excited about wanting to transition than feel exasperated that I have to go through so much just to be who I want to be.
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